[Two Pronged] A wife considers an open marriage due to husband’s work assignment

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My husband “Danny” and I have been married two years. Before that, I was a lesbian. My best friend, not a lesbian, introduced us to each other. We just clicked. He said he loved me, that my past was not a problem, and that he wanted to marry me. He told me he was conservative and hoped I would not go back to my “old ways” — threesomes, anything goes relationships, etc. But he also reassured me that, if that is what I needed we could talk about things.

My problem is this. The US-based corporation he works for recognized his negotiating skills and often sends him to other countries when they need him. His next assignment might take 18 months. I cannot go with him because of my job.

Eighteen months is a long time to be without sex. I asked him if he felt we would survive a year without each other and he was surprised. He reassured me of phone calls, email, and 10-day visits to the Philippines every four months.

He looked so hurt when I suggested an open marriage, I took it back. My former girlfriend suggested I have an open marriage and just don’t tell him about it. But I do not want to do that to him.

If he experienced the excitement of a new love, a new conquest, I know he would be all game! Should I convince him to give it a try?

– Danica

Dear Danica,

Firstly, congratulations on firmly rejecting your girlfriend’s advice to have an open marriage without telling Danny.

That instinct — to protect Danny from betrayal rather than protect yourself from a difficult conversation — speaks of a genuinely loving marriage.

Turning to the main issue of your letter, foregoing fidelity in a previously monogamous marriage is like losing one’s virginity – once done, it cannot be undone. It is a step not to be taken lightly since the consequences are unknowable and can be far reaching.

An open marriage would after all change the fundamental premise — fidelity — upon which your current
marriage is based.

You say that Danny would be all game if he had a new love, a new conquest but what if this turned out to be the love of his life? Where would that leave you and your marriage?

However, you describe Danny as conservative, happy with monogamy and hurt when you suggested an open marriage. It therefore seems clear that he attaches real value to the concept of a sacred vow of fidelity between the two of you and this is surely worth preserving.

Perhaps an alternative would be to explore ways to minimize the pain of separation. This means a serious conversation about what each of you see as the problems and how to alleviate them.

For example, can Danny’s visits be more frequent and/or longer? Can your job incorporate greater flexibility via remote work, a sabbatical, or a leave of absence? This exchange of views could even lead to a reevaluation of whether one or both of you should reconsider your job(s).

That said, if ultimately you decide to go the way of an open marriage, there are myriad forms, from highly restrictive to anything goes, and it is therefore important to make sure that you and your husband know and agree on exactly what you are signing up for if you decide to go this route. Please write again if you wish to clarify any points further.

All the best
– JAF Baer

Dear Danica,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Please tell me if I have this right: You were a player before you met and married Danny – game for anything that was fun sexually and sexually fun. That suggests that sex is for fun and games and not limited only to people deeply in love with each other.

This all changed when you started going out with Danny. The fact that you married him, promising to love and to hold him above all others, showed you were willing to change even more, because you recognized that this guy was worth it. This guy was a keeper.

It sounds like fidelity wouldn’t have been a problem for you, as long as Danny was around. But fate (and perhaps the Iran War) intervened, so now you face a sexless 18 months, with 10-day breaks of physical contact every four months.

This is what Filipinos call “tigang” (parched, extremely dry); both when referring to the earth itself and to sexual activity.

But there are far worse things than being tigang for 112 days (4 months minus 10 days). Yes, it’s difficult, especially for someone not used to being deprived of sex for so long”. And yet.…AND yet, this might be a small price to pay considering what you might lose if you insist on an open marriage.

Admittedly, I have not met Danny so I have no real objective data on which to base my following thoughts. But being effective as a clinical psychologist is both science and art..… and the art of seeing more than what you’ve written about him can count for a lot.

In my mind’s eye you and Danny love each other very much. You view sex in totally different ways but you still love each other. And when you got married, Danny trusted you were willing to “give up” the lifestyle you used to enjoy for the greater joy of being married to each other. I presume you even talked about what marriage, fidelity, exclusivity meant and you were up for it UNTIL his job complicated things.

Danny may not insist you remain faithful. Because he loves you so much, he may give open marriage a try. BUT are you really willing to risk it?

I doubt Danny is the type to threaten. You would not love him if he were.

But I am fairly sure Danny would be unable to have the kind of sex that is simply fun and games. I am fairly sure that if, as per your request, he agreed to an open marriage and found someone with whom he felt he could have sex with, it couldn’t be mere fun and games. For him, sex would have to be meaningful, special.

The quality of your joint emotional space – which would include anything sexual about each of you and previously a delicious secret only the two of you cherished – would no longer be so.

In all probability, whoever Danny had sex with would have an impact on him…. more deeply and with a breadth far wider than you would feel for any of your playmates.

Maybe you could at least try phone sex, video sex, roleplaying, your deepest-possibly-embarrassing-fantasy sharing, etcetera, with just each other before insisting on open marriage as the only solution?

All the best,
– MG Holmes